After Graduation

So after a painful last quarter, I finally finished high school. Yes, I actually survived! But during what many of my peers found to be an emotional time, I was surprised to find myself cold, feeling nothing. It's very difficult to write a meaningful speech in such a state, but somehow I managed to squeeze something out. It was extremely painful, and I don't claim that it had much of a point, but I did survive it. Even after the speech was all over though, I did not feel as relieved as I had thought I would; the graduation ceremony, which last year had been such an emotional time for me, sparked in me hardly any feeling at all. I realized perfectly well that this was the end of a long period of my life, and that I might never in my life see some of those faces again, but still I felt nothing. I left having hardly spoken to anyone and feeling little inclination to do so. So that was graduation! And my state has improved little since. I have been irritable, tired, gloomy, and unsociable since. Apart from my family's own celebration, I attended no graduation parties and have seen no one but my family since then. I have missed out on the beginning of summer and feel so disconnected. I'm enjoying my family of course, but I know I've missed so much elsewhere and there's not much I can do about it. I feel disappointingly cold and unfeeling towards others - like I have not felt in a long time, and it's killing me. Despite my lack of obligations, I cannot rest. I am discontent with who I am and am not quite sure what to do.

These past weeks have not been all gloom though. I have been able to spend time with relatives I haven't seen for what seems like forever, I've cooked more chocolate desserts than I can name, and I've found time for reading once again. My parents threw a nice party for me and I have been thoroughly congratulated by my friends, family, and church. But something is missing - the people connection. I don't know what it is - I'm drawing into myself again and am becoming once again terribly uncomfortable with bringing people to my house. There are people I desperately want to see and right now my only opportunity to see them is to invite them to my home, but every opportunity my parents have offered me I have passed up. Once again, I don't know what's wrong and am not quite sure what to do.